Seeking to better understand the Stoic views on Friendship, I remembered one of Seneca's letters in which he basically gives his friend Lucilius a hard time in order to explain to him why one should be careful when calling certain people friends.
Thinking that you might also be interested in this topic, I ran there to research what Seneca's blessed letter was,thenI no longer remembered which of the hundreds of letters it was.
To my happiness, and I believe that yours as well, I found the so-called letter number 3: About True and False Friendship.
I will use this letter as the basis for the video, but we will explore something further, I looked at other Stoic philosophers to find out what the use of friends is within this philosophy, and to my surprise and perhaps yours, the discovery goes beyond what I expected.
Imagine the following situation: Lucilius sent a letter to Seneca througha third person, who Lucílio mentions to be a mutual friend of both. So far nothing much, the issue however that irritated Seneca was that Lucilius, when sending the letter, asked him to be careful with what he responded to or about certain matters that could not be said to this third friend.
Faced with this fact, Seneca was intrigued by Lucilius, because in other words in the same letter he managed to affirm and deny the friendship of this third person. Since he clearly didn't trust her to handle his affairs.
I was also impressed by this observation, I never stopped to reflect on it, how can I say that someone is my friend if I suspect their loyalty? And more, what is the friendship relationship like within Stoicism?
Within the philosophy of the Hellenistic period, it is easy to see that the Greeks and Romans had complete appreciation for relationships of reciprocity and friendship, especially because these societies were very politicized and families were strengthened through valuable alliances based on loyalty.
For Plutarch, for example, "Friendship must be chosen carefully, a long and constant friendship brings the greatest pleasure."
Likewise, Cicero stated, "Nothing is more beautiful than friendship, truer than affection, and more important than love."
Within the Stoic bases we can see thatMusônio Rufo expressed himself in favor of the importance of friendship, considering it asthe greatest gift that nature has given us. In the same way, Epictetus shows himself as someone who values true friendship, considering that such friends are brothers and sisters that God never gave him, a kind of second family.
But why are there so many videos on the internet that say a Stoic should be alone? That a Stoic is unshakable in the face of feelings?
For those who follow our channel, you know our concern with understanding the metaphysical bases of Stoicism, mainly the Stoicism of the era in which Seneca, Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius lived, which is a time in which Stoicism had already gained a more religious tone.
Furthermore, Stoicism does not preach individualism, much less egocentrism in its metaphysical basis. For a simple reason: the Stoics are based on virtue, which can only be achieved through temperance, prudence, justice and the common good. For the Stoic, nature (or God if you prefer) does everything perfectly, without qualification of good or evil, since these two concepts are something human. In this way, man can only achieve wisdom and live in accordance with virtue, if he is capable of exercising his capacity for the common good, as men were born for mutual assistance.
You will see this idea a lot present in Marco Aurélio's speeches, especially in books I and II of Meditations, as sometimes he gives thanks and ifauto recriminates us to act in a way that understands that there are many different people in society and that not all of them please us, but above all, it is our duty to understand and act in a way that promotes good coexistence with them, as man was born for the mutual aid.
I know you must be thinking, now it's screwed! Should I be friends with people I don't like then?
That's not it, calm down. I'll let Seneca explain further:
Sand you consider any man a friend whom you do not trust as you trust yourself, you are greatly mistaken and you do not understand enough what true friendship means.
Seneca proposes that we do the following exercise: when friendship is established, you must trust; but before friendship is formed, you must judge.
Did you understand? You must carefully evaluate the people you allow into your life, the one you call a friend. You must make a prior judgment about this person's character, know their virtues and vices and understand whether they are trustworthy.
After doing this, only then can you be inclined to call her a friend, and once this friendship is sealed, you must express trust as yourself, because a relationship in which there is no trust cannot be had. like friendship.
But now I have to be friends with someone forever? But what if I am betrayed?
It's not quite like that, Seneca just says that it is incompatible with the nature of man to call someone a friend, without trusting that person, because then you would be doing something contrary to nature, something harmful to yourself, which is to live doubting the one you have as trustworthy.
Therefore, you must be rigorous in judging the character of someone who will enter your life, because when you decide to admit them, you must welcome them with all your heart and soul.
Seneca further explains that although you should live in such a way that you don't go around talking about everything about your life, since certain issues should be conventionally kept secret, you should share at least one friend with all your concerns and reflections, This is the role of friendship, being able to share solutions and bring ideas to light during a reflective discussion about problems that arise.
The Stoic idea of friendship is interesting in that it is a gift of nature, so if you treat a friend as loyal, you will make him loyal. Some, for example, fearing to be deceived, taught men to deceive; by their suspicions they gave their friend the right to suspect. Why do I need to hold back a word in my friend's presence? Why not consider me alone when in your company?
Do you understand what Seneca explained? It is important to have good people by our side, although there are subjects that are restricted to ourselves, there are problems and reflections that are important to be shared with a great friend, someone loyal. It is better to do this than to go around talking to anyone about matters that should only be revealed to friends, than to unload on the disinterested listener everything that bothers them.
Others, Seneca warns, once again, fear trusting their closest friends; And if it were possible, they wouldn't even trust themselves, burying their secrets deep in their hearts. But we shouldn't do one thing or the other. It is equally flawed to trust everyone and trust no one.
However, Seneca reflects that the first failure is, that is, to trust everyone, he proves more dangerous, more naive, while the second, although harmful to our soul, still this paranoia is safer.
But what about theafriendships in times of social networks? How are friendships affected?
Note that a friendship built through social networks is simply, in a certain way, narcissistic, as I am not in possession of all the biological, bodily and instinctual information about that person, in this way, my brain will remove this information from me and will create a feeling of trust in the other, but something fragile, very superficial, because when I start to have real coexistence with this person I will end up entering a mode of unconscious frustration, as there is an idealization of friendship and a conflict with the real person in my life. front.
This is why we must be very cautious with friendships nurtured only on social networks, it is important that we take the time to meet these people, that we know how to judge and evaluate which ones to effectively trust, and try to deal with problems in person if possible or even through video resources, as this way we have more information and reciprocity in the interaction, avoiding communication noise common to written conversations via instant messages.
Byobvious It's been increasingly difficult to find great friendships these days, partly because contemporary culture often emphasizes autonomy and independence. This affects people's willingness to build lasting friendships, as they harbor the false idea that they are better off not trusting anyone.
Part of this behavior is childish and selfish, as people form useful relationships, losing value at the first obstacle they encounter with each other. It is increasingly rare for someone to leave a weekend appointment to help a friend install a wooden panel in the living room, or help with moving.
People are more focused on themselves, they want everything to be for themselves. If a friend mentions that he needs to paint his room, for example, the first sentence he receives is that “I know a wonderful painter”, and so I push the problem forward and don't commit.
What then in my opinion is true friendship according to Stoic principles?
A true friendship is based on virtue, that is, it must be borne in mind that the values and principles that the other person expresses meet the idea of the common good, of mutual assistance. It is necessary to see in others a certain temperance, prudence, sense of justice and resilience, someone who is worthy of loyalty. Once trust is established, I must keep in mind that not everything about me is something to be shared with anyone, for example, the intimacy of the couple, the intimacy of the children and the home, my family earnings. These subjects are reserved for my family, since true friends are the ones for us to have conversations that serve as reflection on the problems we face, things like where to fix your car, a certain manual job in your home that you can't solve, an event that left you worried. , certain projects to complement the idea.
It is important to have people in the world who help us throughout our lives, it is essential to have trust in our relationships with people who we have already evaluated and judged worthy of trust for everything that you reciprocally went through and share, as it is in the nature of man to live seeking mutual assistance for the common good, and in the same way it is in their nature to nurture good friendships so as not to remain alone in the world.
Being strong does not mean facing everything alone, but knowing how to face things in the best way, in order to take care of your health.own mental health, so you can be the best version of yourself for others.
Loneliness is not the solution to your problems, on the contrary, being alone changes our brain and leaves us vulnerable in this world. Therefore, follow Seneca's advice, look for good people to share appropriate topics with and learn to remain loyal in your friendships.
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